No doubt you will have heard all about Birmingham on social media and from your out-of-town friends.
It’s all true. Birmingham is a terrible place – rife with unfriendly locals, dirty streets and terrible food. Here’s 50 reasons why you should stay away. Seriously folks, it’s really not worth it.
The city is disgusting.
Birmingham Skyline (photo: Ross Jukes)
I mean, look at it.
Birmingham Skyline (photo: Ross Jukes)
There’s nothing pleasant about it at all.
Fox Hollies Park (photo: Verity Milligan)
It’s just a concrete jungle with no parks to be found.
Lickey Hills (photo: Verity Milligan)
There’s not a canal in sight.
Birmingham’s canals (photo: Ross Jukes)
And great architecture? You won’t find any of that here.
Birmingham Symphony Hall (photo: Verity Milligan)
Nope, none whatsoever. It’s all just plain, old concrete in Birmingham.
The Cube (photo: Ross Jukes)
It’s like this city is bereft of cultural history.
Victoria Square (photo: Verity Milligan)
Or culture of any kind.
The iconic Aston Hall
There are definitely no museums in Birmingham.
Birmingham Museum And Art Gallery
We all know the best artists and art galleries are based down in London, right?
The internationally renowned Ikon Gallery (photo: Verity Milligan)
Street art? Never heard of it.
Street Art, The Custard Factory
We already told you there’s no artwork to be found in Birmingham!
Street Art (photo: Ross Jukes)
There’s absolutely zero creativity here. None whatsoever.
The Custard Factory (photo: Fraser McGee)
Independent clothes stores? You must be having a laugh.
Liquor Store, Colmore Row
A Zero Waste Supermarket? Don’t have one of those either.
The Clean Kilo, The Custard Factory
Independent Cinemas? Why would we have any of those?
The Electric Cinema, the UK’s oldest working cinema (photo: Joe Flynn Photo)
This city is just a desolate wasteland.
The Birmingham skyline (photo: Ross Jukes)
Nothing ever goes on in Birmingham.
Birmingham Seasonal Markets, The Bond
We never have fun. It’s all just doom and gloom.
Ghetto Golf Birmingham
And festivals, we don’t do them. Ok?
The Independent Birmingham Festival at Aston Hall
Why would you ever be proud of this city?
The musical heritage of this city really sucks.
Black Sabbath, the founders of heavy metal
There’s definitely nowhere awesome to watch live music.
Hare and Hounds, Kings Heath
And independent record stores? We definitely don’t have any of those.
We already told you! No one ever has fun here – ever.
The Night Owl
Fine dining? It’s all just greasy takeaway joints here.
Opheem – one of five Michelin Star restaurants in Birmingham
You won’t find anything tasty in this city, so don’t even try.
Bao Buns at Tiger Bites Pig
And forget diversity. All of the food is the same.
The Platter, Antep Turkish Cuisine
So if you want a curry, you’ll have to go someplace else. You won’t find one here. (And while you’re at it, stop asking us if we invented the Balti. That never happened, ok?)
Al Faisals, The Balti Triangle
We already told you, there’s no diversity here.
Hong Kong Brunch – Chung Ying Cantonese
And Vegans? There’s nothing here for you either. So stay away.
Buddha Bowl – Medicine Bakery + Gallery
Got a sweet tooth? Too bad, we don’t do desserts.
Double Decker Pain Au Chocolat by The Early Bird Bakery
Street food? Never heard of it.
Lamb taco, Low ‘N’ Slow (photo: The Fat Foodie UK)
Seriously, we don’t do it here.
Thai Crispy Chicken, Buddha Belly (photo: Patty Master)
Don’t get us started on independents.
Medicine Bakery And Gallery, New Street
We don’t have any, so get over it.
Bonehead (photo: Jake’s Food Bible)
There’s certainly not a decent cup of coffee to be found in the city.
Quarter Horse Coffee
And don’t get us started on the bar scene – it’s dead. There’s simply nowhere to go out in an evening.
The Prince of Wales, Moseley
Seriously, there is nowhere at all to get a decent cocktail.
40 St. Paul’s in the Jewellery Quarter, named the best gin bar in the world
So don’t even try and have fun! It won’t work.
The Pineapple Club
Craft beer? Never heard of it.
Dig Brew Co., River Street
You won’t find a single microbrewery here.
GlassHouse Beer Co.
And beer gardens, once you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all right?
The Old Crown, Digbeth
Seriously! We told you. Birmingham’s Beer Scene Is Terrible. There’s Absolutely Nowhere You Can Enjoy Great Tasting Beer here.
Burning Soul Brewery
And a nice glass of wine? You must be joking, there aren’t any wine bars in this city.
We already told you, there’s no fun to be had in this city – so just accept that and move on.
St Patrick’s Day festival at The Old Crown, Digbeth
Seriously, why would you ever want to visit Birmingham?
Gas Street Basin (photo: Verity Milligan)
How could you ever be proud of a city that looks like this?
The Birmingham skyline (photo: OCUK Photography)
If, for some reason, you do want to come to Birmingham, check out the Independent Birmingham App!
Download the Independent Birmingham App now and enjoy up to 25% off (alongside exclusive 2-for-1 offers, freebies, and more) at over 140 of the very best independents across Birmingham and Solihull – all for just £1.99 a month!
Download the IB App here.
The IB App features a list of over 140 terrific independents across Birmingham and Solihull for you to discover and support (with more added all the time), alongside an interactive map, filters (so you can filter by category, day, and area) and a Wish List so you can create your very own bespoke ‘to visit’ list. IB Membership is just £1.99 a month and it helps to keep this vital platform alive and allows us to keep doing what we do best – supporting Brum’s marvellous independents, and shining a light on our wonderful city.