No doubt you will have heard all about Birmingham on social media and from your out-of-town friends.

It’s all true. Birmingham is a terrible place – rife with unfriendly locals, dirty streets and terrible food. Here’s 50 reasons why you should stay away. Seriously folks, it’s really not worth it.

The city is disgusting.

Birmingham Skyline by Ross Jukes

I mean, look at it.


Birmingham Skyline by Ross Jukes

There’s nothing pleasant about it at all.


Fox Hollies Park by Verity Milligan

It’s just a concrete jungle with not a beautiful view in sight.


Lickey Hills by Verity Milligan

And great architecture? You won’t find any of that here.


Birmingham Symphony Hall by Verity Milligan

Nope, none whatsoever. It’s all just plain, old concrete in Birmingham.


The Cube by Ross Jukes

It’s like this city is bereft of cultural history.


Victoria Square by Verity Milligan

Or culture of any kind.

The Old Rep Theatre

Seriously, zero culture.

The iconic Aston Hall

There are definitely no museums in Birmingham.

Birmingham Museum And Art Gallery

And contemporary art? There’s none of that.


Icicle sculptures by Verity Milligan

We all know the best artists and art galleries are based down in London, right?


The internationally renowned Ikon Gallery by Verity Milligan

Street art? Never heard of it.


Street Art, The Custard Factory

We already told you there’s no artwork to be found in Birmingham!


Street Art by Ross Jukes

None at all, so stop asking.


Street Art, The Custard Factory

There’s absolutely zero creativity here. None whatsoever.

The Custard Factory by Fraser McGee

Independent clothes stores? You must be having a laugh.


Liquor Store, Colmore Row

A Zero Waste Supermarket? Don’t have one of those either.

The Clean Kilo, The Custard Factory

Independent Cinemas? Why would we have any of those?

The Electric Cinema, the UK’s oldest working cinema

This city is just a desolate wasteland.


The Birmingham skyline by Ross Jukes

Nothing ever goes on in Birmingham.


Birmingham Seasonal Markets, The Bond

We never have fun. It’s all just doom and gloom.

Ghetto Golf Birmingham

And festivals, we don’t do them. Ok?

The Independent Birmingham Festival at Aston Hall

Why would you ever be proud of this city?

Birmingham Pride

The musical heritage of this city really sucks.

Black Sabbath, the founders of heavy metal

There’s definitely nowhere awesome to watch live music.

Hare and Hounds, Kings Heath

And independent record stores? We definitely don’t have any of those.

Swordfish Records

We already told you! No one ever has fun here – ever.


Magic Door

Fine dining? It’s all just greasy takeaway joints here.


Carters of Moseley – one of four Michelin Star restaurants in Birmingham

You won’t find anything tasty in this city, so don’t even try.


Burgers at The Meat Shack

And forget diversity. All the food is the same.


The Platter, Antep Turkish Cuisine

So if you want a curry, you’ll have to go someplace else. You won’t find one here.


Indian Brewery Company, Livery Street

Got a sweet tooth? Too bad, we don’t do desserts.


Oreo Cheesecake waffle by The Bournville Waffle Company

And you definitely won’t find any amazing cakes here.

Chocolate raspberry layer cake by BAKE

Street food? Never heard of it.

Lamb taco, Low ‘N’ Slow (photo: The Fat Foodie UK)

Seriously, we don’t do it here.

Thai Crispy Chicken, Buddha Belly (photo: Patty Master)

And we definitely wouldn’t know what it was like to spend a weekend at an award-winning street food event.

Digbeth Dining Club

Don’t get us started on independents.


Medicine Bakery And Gallery, New Street

We don’t have any, so get over it.

Bonehead (photo: Jake’s Food Bible)

There’s certainly not a decent cup of coffee to be found in the city.


Caffiened, Harborne

And don’t get us started on the bar scene – it’s dead. There’s simply nowhere to go out in an evening.


The Prince of Wales, Moseley

Seriously, there is nowhere in town at all to get a decent cocktail.


So don’t even try and have fun! It won’t work.


The Jekyll And Hyde

Craft beer? Never heard of it.

Dig Brew Co., River Street

And beer gardens, once you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all right?

The Old Crown, Digbeth

Birmingham’s Beer Scene Is Literally Terrible. There’s Absolutely Nowhere You Can Enjoy Great Tasting Beer.

Burning Soul Brewery

And a nice glass of wine? You must be joking, there aren’t any wine bars in this city.

Arch 13

We already told you, there’s no fun to be had in this city – so just accept that and move on.


St Patrick’s Day festival at The Old Crown, Digbeth

Seriously, why would you ever want to visit Birmingham?


Gas Street Basin by Verity Milligan

How could you ever be proud of a city that looks like this?

The Birmingham skyline, by OCUK Photography

If, for some reason, you do want to come to Birmingham, check out the Independent Birmingham App!

If you like to discover new hidden gems and support local, download the Independent Birmingham App.

Enjoy fantastic discounts and deals at over 110 of the very best independent cafes, bars, restaurants, pubs, theatres, cinemas, hotels, shops and experiences in Birmingham – including: Digbeth Dining Club, The Electric Cinema, The Wilderness, Carters, The Indian Brewery, Birmingham Hippodrome, Adam’s, 18/81, Zindiya, The Meat Shack, Baked In Brick, Harborne Kitchen, BoneHead, Purnell’s Restaurant, Bodega Bar And Cantina, Stirchley Wines And Spirits, Wayland’s Yard, Purnell’s Bistro, Buffalo and Rye, Midlands Arts Centre, Gaijin Sushi, 40 St Paul’s, The Plough, Hare and Hounds, Birmingham Repertory Theatre, The Jekyll And Hyde, Bourne and Co., The Rose Villa Tavern, Cherry Reds, The Prince of Wales, The Loft, Laghi’s Deli, Medicine Bakery, The Paper Duck, Town Hall Symphony Hall, The Clean Kilo, The Early Bird Bakery and many more.

To download the IB App for just £2 a month on Apple, click here.

To download the IB App for just £2 a month on Android, click here.